The past couple weeks have been very difficult. Not so much in the RA pain kind of way but rather in the psychological way of adapting to certain changes and limitations.
After my race a couple weeks back, I was in terrible pain. The RA was acting out and I even went back on the prednisone to help alleviate though it did not help much. I saw my rheumatologist and voiced my concerns about the humira injections not working and my pain increasing, he then told me what I already knew but didn’t want to accept, that I need to step back from training for a bit to let my body heal and allow more time for the injections to start working. He said in the best case, the injections can start after the 3-5th time.
I had been essentially trying to train as though I was never diagnosed. I would cut my sessions short and listen to my body but it was apparently not enough because I was still pushing myself really hard.
So about 2 weeks ago I had to accept that I should relax on the training and focus on taking care of myself. I figured that I would take it day by day and see how I felt, so that way I didn’t rule out training completely but rather on an as-feel basis.
Last week, I went in to have my nuclear medicine full body bone scan and MRI’s done. The day after I did my nuc med scan, I get a call from my Dr.s assistant first thing in the morning telling me that something came up on my bone scan in my left foot and my Dr. absolutely does not want me training. I made a follow-up apt for the 28th to discuss what’s going on.
So, I have wanted to write but I have been dealing with all this news and trying to cope with the onset of depression that it brought on.
The hardest to deal with are the limitations and the depression. It has recently become a daunting task to talk to a lot of my friends because the topic of conversation usually resolve around triathlon, or training or something to that effect and I find myself feeling left out and jealous. I’m typically not a jealous person but with the recent course of events, I feel like a bird that had it’s wings clipped and I have to watch from the ground while all my friends are flying around. It’s shitty.
I find myself becoming an introvert just hoping the days will go by as fast as they can and I can get back to being myself.
So, when I sit here and write this, I can’t pretend to be happy-go-lucky because I am sad, discouraged, and just trying to find my strength. I feel like I’m taking hit after hit and now it is starting to affect me mentally. My enthusiasm is fading and I am just hoping that with every next appointment, I will get good news, or I will start to feel better, or some miracle will happen.
I’m not sitting here feeling sorry for myself, I’m just trying to accept and adjust to my new limitations and needs, and for anyone that has gone through some medical adversity or daunting diagnosis, you know it’s not sunshine and rainbows.
My next apt is on the 28th, hopefully we can make a game plan to get me back on track.
I want my life back.